Brian watches The Nerd movie about Magic Rings, Part 2.

Okay, I took a break from the 3 hour movie, ate dinner, took a walk, and I’m ready to finish this masterpiece of geek homo erotic role playing.

Where was I?

Elijah Wood is being given a magic sword that glows when Orcs are around.  The old midget sees the Ring, gets a boner, and scares little children with his demon face.

Okay, it looks like all these D&D roleplayers in this movie finished creating their characters, picked their weapons and are finally going to start kicking some ass.

Magneto is smoking weed, Mr. Belvedere is bitching, midgets are training with swords, nothing is happening.  The movie turns into The Birds for a second, as a huge flock of crows fly overhead.  But again, nothing happens, they just fly away.

Make some shit happen already.

Another erection scene over the glorious ring.

A huge amount of birds are flying around the clean Magneto down in his lair.  Surprisingly, none shit on him.  There are like a million birds in there.  No shit anywhere?  I think not.  He goes on top of his tower, yells some yiddish, and makes a bunch of snow fall on our heroes. “WE MUST GET OFF THE MOUNTAIN!!”  Thanks Cpt. Obvious. Magneto informs the rest that he is letting the little mini Elijah Wood make the decisions.  Good call.  So they are going through the mine.

There is a door, that glows, with a riddle on it.  Magneto tries to act smart and says the password, but fails.  Elijah Wood shows him up by figuring out the answer.  Magnetos penis shrinks.  Once again the midgets do something stupid, this time throwing rocks into the water, which awakens a —— nothing.  something moves in the water, but nothing happens.  Seriously, why do they add these scenes?  This shit could have been 30 minutes long.

Mr. Belvedere cries because he sees a bunch of dead butlers.

Oh, there we go.  The monster is an octopus a giant head with a bunch of tentacles.  It is no match for our heroes though.  They cut the tentacles off like it’s nothing, yet they run into the mine, terrified.

Magneto stares around and says, “I have no memory of this place”.  Should he have?  Should we care?  Did I miss something?  I feel like I missed something.  I need to start over.

So, the credits are rolling again, the weird lady is telling the story…..har har har.

Gollum survived the torture..somehow..and is following our D&D players.  Magneto speaks in riddles to Elijah Woods about who Gollum is.  Elijah Wood does not seem the least bit interested and changes the subject to how he wishes he never had the ring.

More needless scenes happen, just so the CGI artists can show chicks how much they did in the movie, hopefully to get a handjob.

Mr. Belvedere cries again.  He’s really letting the tears fly too.

Okay, strike fucking 3 you dumb ass midget hobbit.  He knocks a skeleton down a well, pissing off about 50 Hobgoblins.  Why didn’t Strider just whip around and chop the little bastards head off?  Magneto is pissed, no one else seems to mind.

Oh, they are Orcs, and a “cavetroll”.

OMG action!

Strider cuts an Orcs head off, black blood squirts out.  The troll is retarded and smashes Orcs instead of the heroes.  The midgets are fighting with pans, Orlando Bloom shoots the troll through the head, troll remains alive.  Everyone gangs up on the troll, the midgets do their part by throwing rocks…. Elijah Wood gets stabbed, there is a 30 second scene of us looking at this horrible face.  Troll dies.  I feel bad for it.  What the fuck.  Elijah Wood wasn’t really stabbed.  He has magic armor on.  Why did we watch his face for 30 seconds, him acting like he was Mr. Hands getting reamed by a giant horse penis.

Floods of Orcs come out, crawling on walls and pillars.  Our heroes are surrounded by Orcs, but the Orcs run away because of some monster.

Satan begins to chase our heroes, they run.  A long drawn out scene ensues, Magneto yells at Satan  The Power of Christ Compels You! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!  They both fall down the pit into Hell.  There is a slow motion scene of Elijah Wood screaming, “Nooooooo!”.  The fools run.

The director feels we need a closeup of Elijah Wood’s face again.  Just so we know that he is upset.  I’m pretty dumb, and would have had no idea that he was upset that his friend was just taken to Hell by Satan, if it weren’t for you zooming in to Elijahs face, so I can watch the tears fall.

Tears mean Upset, you dummy.

A bunch more nothing happens for the rest of the movie 24 minutes.  They go to an Elf city, we meet the whispering Lady from the beginning, more rubbish about the ring is said.

Here we go.  Strider is wrecking shit up.  He’s chopping the big Orcs up left and right.  The movie starts to get good.  Orlando continues to use his bow like a pussy, while everyone else fights with swords/axes.

The two dumb midgets do something useful and make the Orcs chase them away from Elijah Wood.

A very touching, Platoon style scene is happening.  Somewhere a kitten cries.  The Human redeems himself by being a total fucking badass and chopping the shit out of a few more Orcs with a bunch of tree-limb size arrows sticking out of various parts of his body.  Strider won’t let his buddy go out like a bitch however, and fights the Orc leader and chops that mother fuckers head off.  BOOYA BITCH! HUMANS RULE!  Best part of the movie: 2:38:40 – 2:44:30.  For realsies, just watch that part, screw the rest of it.

Platoon

Lord of the Rings

Now the remaining heroes keep walking and the movie ends.  Honestly, just watch the part I stated above.