Brian watches Twilight: Part 1

There is this movie about Vampires and Werewolves that has made half the world masturbate to these supernatural beings.  I’m going to watch it, and probably end up turning goth or emo, or whatever the kids are doing these days.  That or make a lame t-shirt that says Team Edward and hang around high school parking lots, trying regain the coolness that has slowly been draining out of me as I age.  NOT to pick up girls, you pervs.

Why did I listen to you weirdos and decide to do this movie…here we go.

O-M-G here we go!! The credits are rolling!! I’m so excited!!  I should have invited my friends over for a slumber party to watch this and talk about boys hot girls!!!

The first line of the movie, “I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of some one i love seems like a good way to go.”  That’s some deep shit right there folks.

The first scene is a sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer.  It’s prancing along, it gets thirsty, it spots a little brook, it puts its  little deer lips down to the cool clear water… BAM!  A fuckin vampie rips off part of its head! Its brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m assuming it’s a vampire, but I don’t know for sure.  It might be a Werewolf since Vampires can’t come out during the day.

We’re introduced to who I am guessing is Bella.  I don’t want to call her that though.  I want to call her Ms. Monotone Voice.  She whines about having to move someplace, away from Phoenix.  Suck it up princess, my parents shipped me off to New Jersey just about every summer.

Ms. Mono’s dad is a cop. They obviously don’t have a great relationship.  The most boring and pointless conversation happens between them.

“Your hairs longer.”

“I cut it since last time I saw you”

“Oh, I guess it grew out again”

“You like purple right?”

“Purples cool”.

Thanks for the Oscar worthy scene.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next scene is Ms. Monotone and her dad outside, meeting a guy in a wheelchair and some young stud named Jacob.  The dad and the wheelchair guy do some sort of mock fighting.  If I were the wheelchair guy, I would have spit in the cops face and said, “Don’t fucking patronize me, asshole”.

Her dad buys her a truck.  A fucking truck! Woot!  If my parents had bought me a truck when I was young, I’d be happy as shit.  Ms. Monotone is happy, you know what she says to her dad to thank him though?  Nothing.

Kids today and their sense of entitlement.  I would have taken the keys right back and said, “Maybe now you’ll learn some fucking manners.”

Then the dad and Mr. Wheelchair say typical shit that makes us old people seem nerdy.

“I told you she’d love it, I’m down with the kids.”

“Oh yeah dude, you’re the bomb”.

I notice Jacob peek at Ms. Monotone’s ass or tits at least 3 times.

Ms. Monotone goes to her first day at her new school.  Why is it that the main character in these kids movies always has a shitty car, while everyone else has something nice?  Ms. Monotone meets a gay Asian kid who wants to put her on the front page of the school paper.  Ms. Monotone freaks out and the gay Asian says, “Chillax”.  When does this movie take place, 1992?

Fact: Ms. Monotone is the worst damn volleyball player in the world.


All the guys think Ms. Monotone is hot shit for some reason.  Alpha dog positioning commences.

Ms. Monotone’s vagina gets moist when Edward walks into the cafeteria.

I know Edward is a vampire.  What is he doing out during the day?  Is this movie going to destroy everything I’ve learned about vampires from Brom Stoker?

There’s a hilarious scene of Ms. Monotone and Edward sitting next to each other in class.  Edward flips between looking disgusted by her, or staring at her in a psychotic way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m 12 minutes into this movie and I’ve already commented on this much.  This might end up being like a 10 part “review”.  Edward storms out of class and Ms. Monotone catches him trying to drop the class.

There is an extremely pointless scene of Ms. Monotone and her dad eating dinner together.

OMG, Edward hasn’t been to school the last few days!!!!

Some type of construction worker is killed by vampires.

Ms. Monotone slips on a piece of ice and falls on her ass.  I laugh.

Edward is back in school!

Edward tries to be nice to Ms. Monotone, but she turns out to be a royal bitch.  “You’re asking me about the weather?”  You just met, give him a fucking break.  However, Ms. Monotone looks into his eyes and is ready to spread her legs for him.  Slut.

Ms. Monotone is almost crushed by a van, but Edward The Hulk, saves her.


Ms. Monotone gets checked out at the hospital and sees Edward.  Again, instead of thanking him, maybe giving his penis a tug, she just questions what happened.  In her defense though, Edward treats her like a moron.   Shouldn’t she be flipping the hell out?  He stopped a fucking van with his bare hand.  She seems way to calm about it.

Edward is starting to grow on me.  He has balls that Ms. Monotones dad doesn’t.

Edwards says, “Can’t you just thank me and get over it?”.

Ms. Monotone is like, “WHAT WHAT WHAT?  A thank you?  Who is this lowly peasant demanding a thank you from her royal highness?!”  She graces him with a thank you anyway.

Edward turns out to be a sociopath and is caught staring at Ms. Monotone as she sleeps.


Ms. Monotone is retarded and thinks she dreamed it.  He just saved your life by going the speed of light and stopping a van with one hand.  Yeah, you must be dreaming.

The dialogue in this movie is horrible, just horrible.

The class goes on a field trip.  Ms. Monotone and Edward bicker nonstop.

Ms. Monotone knocks over an apple, and Edward does some sort of vampire trick and kicks it back up with his foot.  Ms. Monotone remains unimpressed by him, and everything else in the fucking world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

30 minutes into this crapfest…..

Ms. Monotone says the smartest thing that she has in this movie.

Edward says, “I only said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be”.

Ms. Monotone, “What does that mean?”

Jacob comes back into the film when Ms. Monotone and some of her friends go to the beach.  She asks, “What are you, like, stalking me?”  Fucking bitch, he hasn’t even been in the movie for 30 minutes, that’s like 2 weeks in your time.  And you ask him that, not the vampire who climbs through your window at night and watches you while you sleep?  This chick is an idiot.

Jacobs friends and Ms. Monotones friends start talking shit about Edward.  One of Jacobs friend is all, “The Cullen’s don’t come here” and this eerie music starts playing.  OoooOoooooOoo The Cullen’s don’t go to that beach.  What does that mean??!!?!

Ms. Monotone asks Jacob what his friend meant by that.  Jacob replies, “You caught that huh?” She was standing right there asshole.

I’m only going to call her Bella this one time, because I’m about to defend her.  Maybe if everyone in her life didn’t treat her like a goddamn moron, she would give a shit when people buy her trucks, or stop vans from killing her, or anything else that happens in her life.  She may be part retarded, but she has eyes and ears.

Jacob explains some treaty that the vampires and werewolves have with each other.  Ms. Monotone continues to not use her brain and can’t put two and two together.






Alright, I’m going to finish this “movie” later……..


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