Brian tries not to shoot himself while finishing Twilight.

Sigh, why am I finishing this movie.  You internet people better appreciate my suffering.

I don’t think I’ve seen Ms. Monotone happy once in this movie so far.  She needs a hug.

Some hick gets killed by vampires.  One of them is a smoking hot redhead.  (This being a teen movie, I googled her to make sure she was old enough for me to say that).  She is a year younger than I am .  I like redheads.  Next to black hair, it’s my favorite.  What is your favorite color hair on a potential mate?  If Ms. Monotone were to answer, she’d say, “I don’t care, woe is me. Just leave me alone to wallow in self pity.”








Ms. Monotone is curious about the legend Jacob tells her, so she googles it.  I find it funny that one of the links says…….

I’m so immature.

I know I say scenes are pointless a lot, but honestly, this scene is as pointless as it gets.  Let me give you a step by step of what happens.

Ms. Monotone is shown looking at her laptop.

We watched her screen as she types in “Quilete Legends” into Google.

We see her finger click her touch pad.

We see her screen scroll down as she views the links Google gave her.

We watch her cursor move to Book results for Quilete Legends.

We watch her cursor move across the screen and click a link for Thunderbird and Whale Books.

We watch as she scrolls across the screen and clicks a link for Map.

The camera zooms out so we can see the map.

We watch as Ms. Monotone writes down the address on a post it note.

We watch as she gets up from her chair, grabs her coat, and leaves the room.

This is how simple and quick the scene could have been.

“Hey Dad, I’m heading to the book store to go get a book on a legend Jacob told me about, see ya later”.

“Okay dear, be safe.”

Or better yet, just show her in the damn bookstore, show her look at some books, pull one out from the shelf, and show the title.  I would have understood what was happening.  But no, Twilight assumes its audience members are idio……..nevermind.

Twilight Fans

Ms. Monotone waits for Edward to come to school, but her friend informs her that he isn’t here.  Apparently some sunlight is okay, but when the sun is actually shining(which is rare in this movie), vampires have to sleep in coffins.  The only point to this scene   is cleavage.

Anna Kendrick (born August 9, 1985), stop thinking I’m a pervert.




We now watch a scene of two of Ms. Monotone’s friends try on prom dresses.  Ms. Monotone is completely uninterested in the whole scene, which remains true to her complete lack of interest for anything.  She tells her friend she just wants to go to the bookstore and leaves.

She goes to the bookstore, where we see the cover to the book, she buys it and leaves.  Hello?!  Did I not say that is what should have been done to begin with?

Ms. Monotone gets surrounded by four drunk dudes that presumably want to take turns sticking their penises into various holes in her body, against her will.  But amazingly, Edward races up in his car and puts an end all that jazz.  I assume Ms. Monotone will now realize that she is being stalked.  Though Edward did save her from a potential gang raping, she should still be concerned for her safety.  Ms. Monotone gets into Edwards car, and he does some Fast and the Furious moves to impress her.

We are now treated with watching Ms. Monotone and Edward having a nice dinner together.

Okay, Ms. Mono finally asks how he knew where she was, and if he was following her.  His answer should have freaked her out.

“I feel very protective of you.”

That’s serial killer talk.  This does not freak her out.  In fact, she seems quite flattered.  If my sister told me  she keep waking up in the middle of the night, thinking a guy was in her room.  Then that same guy followed her around , she went out to dinner with him and he said, “I feel very protective of you.” and she kept eating dinner with him, I’d slap her, and drive a stake through the bastards heart, vampire or not. My sister would not do that though, because she is not a moron like Ms. Monotone.

Edward then tells her that he can read minds.  He scans the room, looking at different people and saying what they are thinking.  Money, sex, money, sex, cats.  He couldn’t possibly be making that up, right?  But he tells Ms. Mono that he cannot read her mind.  She asks, and I’m not making this up, “Is there something wrong with me”.  YES YOU FUCKING RETARD, there is.

for a second and review what you know about this movie up to this point.  Forget vampires and werewolves and come back down to the real world.  Right now, this movie could easily turn into a story about a girl who gets raped and murdered by an insane person.  That is what I’m getting out of it.  This should be a public service film on what girls shouldn’t do, and the warning signs that the guy you like might try and kill you.

The signs are all there people.

Edward isn’t as dumb as Ms. Mono.  He laughs and asks, “I tell you I can read minds, and you think there is something wrong with you?”  and “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore”.  She says, “The don’t”.  Prepare to get murdered Ms. Mono.

*End Scene*

Ms. Mono touches Edwards hand and it’s cold.  She looks down, I get the sense she is finally catching on to what we already know.

They stop at the police station and Ms. Mono comforts her dad because his friend was eaten by vampires an animal.  They seem to connect.  Maybe now he will pay more attention to the people his daughter hangs out with.

Once again, we watch Ms. Mono do searches on her laptop….She finally puts all the clues together and realizes Edward is a…dun dun dun..VAMPIRE!

Mono goes out into the middle of the woods to talk to Edward, who she just realized is a vampire.  You have to agree with me by now, this chick is dumb.  He takes her to the top of the mountain, into the sunlight.  Everything you’ve ever known about vampires would lead you to believe that he would either get severely burnt by the sunlight, or just disintegrate.  This is not what happens.  He is all shiny like diamonds.

Why is this movie so popular?  One of you people that love Twilight books and movies, please tell me.  What good do you see in this?  I need to know.  I haven’t found any good in it so far.  This entire story is Ludicrous.

That’s all I have in me for now..maybe I will finish it, but it’s not likely.

  1. #1 by Edward Cullen on December 2, 2010 - 1:22 pm

    Brian, I vant to put my vampire penis in your mouth!

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