Archive for category Uncategorized

My journey so far.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m starting this blog up again, or writing this entry.  I guess I want to share my own journey of fitness, maybe you’ll enjoy reading it, maybe you’ll relate, maybe it will help you in some way.  That said, forgive me, I’m not an English major.

I played sports in high school, soccer, basketball, and baseball.  I didn’t train for them, I didn’t care.  I just showed up to practice and games.  Once I graduated, I cared even less about my health and fitness level.  I joined the military, and that didn’t change my outlook on fitness.  Honestly, I cheated during the basic training mile run.  It might have been a mile and a half, I don’t remember.  But I do remember skipping a lap.  The proctors didn’t notice.  I remember acting like I was really out of breathe once I crossed the finish line.  The Air Force(when I was in) required Airmen to take a fitness test once a year, the “ERGO” test.  Basically, they monitored your heart rate while you rode a stationary bike.  My resting heart rate was either too high to even START the rest, or my heart rate would elevate so quickly, they would have to stop the test.  I’d get reschedule, but with the same results.  I was in the military for over 4 years before I ever got “caught”, and put on a fitness program.  Still, I didn’t take it seriously, I knew I was getting out, there was no point in making the effort.

Looking back, I had every opportunity to get in shape.  The base had a great gym facility, and more than a few times my friend Fred would come knocking on my door, asking if I wanted to go to the gym with him.  At the time, I wanted to just sit on my computer and eat junk instead of working out.  I watched Fred transform from a skinny kid, into a beast.  Fred benched 400lbs, I’ve only hit 340lbs, but I understand how much work he put into it.  At one point while I was in, I didn’t realize how fat I was getting, and I dieted, losing around 20lbs.

Once I got out of the military, things didn’t get much better.  I still never exercised, still ate junk.  I moved around a few times, New York to Colorado, to North Carolina, then back to Colorado.  While living in New York with Doug, he worked out often, and would ask me.  I toyed around with his Bowflex(pieces of shit machines), but less then a handful of times. When I lived in North Carolina the first time, I started doing construction work.  Framing, timber frame homes, and log cabins.  I gained some muscle just working Monday through Friday, but I still didn’t watch what I ate.

There are some conversations, or bits of conversations that have stuck with me my entire life.  When I was in 6th grade(or some grade close), I remember being in the shower locker room and going up to a guy I knew, Doug.  I talked to him, and a guy named Scott for a few seconds, then turned to walk away. I remember as I walked away, one of them, probably Doug(asshole), whisper something to the effect of “Did you see how fat he was?”, and they both laughed.  Doing construction, Robert once told me that I wasn’t “fat”, I was “husky”.

It’s worth mentioning that I’d never take my shirt off in public.  I hated swim days in school because I didn’t want to take my shirt off.  I started skipping swim days.  In High School, while hanging out at my friend Ray’s house, a girl I had an ENORMOUS crush on, Kirstin, asked me to take my shirt off.  She said she “heard I had a nice chest”.  I don’t believe for a moment that she actually heard that, maybe that was her making her “move”.  I refused to take my shirt off.  While working construction in North Carolina, Robert would ask me how I could stand wearing a shirt when it was so hot out.  I made up some dumb reason as to why I wouldn’t.  The truth is, I was insecure.

Doug moved to North Carolina for a short stint, and we got a weight bench.  I started lifting with Doug, not very much though.  I bench pressed 225lbs, but I’m sure it was only because there were two girls I was trying to impress watching me do it.  I would hit a speed bag sometimes, again, I didn’t watch what I ate.  I began a vegan for a few years, so I got a little thin, but certainly not in shape.

Now, back to Colorado.  In Colorado is when I decided to become a Firefighter.  I’d been watching a lot of Rescue me at the time.  I told my sister, and enrolled in the Fire Academy.  I barely trained for it.  I knew I’d have to run, and I was expecting to go through basic training all over again.  The first day of the Academy, we ran, and I had to stop.  Afterwards, the Chief asked who it was that stopped running.  I raised my hand, and admitted it.  He sternly told me to get on a program.  I did, but still I didn’t take it seriously.  I would run a little bit, but most of my exercise came from the academy, looking back, it was a joke, it was nothing, but I wasn’t in shape.  I eventually got to the point where I didn’t have to stop, and I’d stay back with the people who were still struggling, so they didn’t have to run alone.  Or maybe I just couldn’t keep up with the head of the pack, I don’t know. I bought a Smith Machine and put it in the living room of my tiny apartment, it rarely used it, and soon, never. After the academy, I decided to finish my degree in Fire Science, and things went downhill from there.  I sat at my computer almost all day long.  I only went out to go to the grocery store, and to take Emma outside.  I was lonely, depressed, insecure, and ballooned to 196 lbs.  At 5’9(I’ll swear I am), that’s a lot of extra pounds on my frame.  It wasn’t until my friend Jay called me and told me that I should move back to North Carolina, because the Asheville Fire Department was going to be hiring soon, that it hit me.  I took a hard look in the mirror, and was honest with myself about where I was health and fitness wise.  I hated what I saw, I loathed what I had done to my body.

I began with limiting myself to 1200 calories a day.  I started walking Emma around the lake by my house, that was roughly 2.6 miles around. I always walked at night, when it was dark, and nobody could see me.  At the time I had a bout of insomnia, sometimes not sleeping for 36-46 hours straight.  I’d walk late at night, starting with one lap around, which eventually led to 3-4 times a night.  At 1200 calories a day, I started losing weight very quickly.  Slowly, I started jogging around the lake.  I bought a 40lb weighted vest, and began walking around the lake wearing it.  in 4 months, I dropped from 196 pounds, to 155 pounds.  When my sister saw me again(she had been gone for over a year), she said I looked anorexic.  She was close, I was bulimic.  That’s the first time I think I’ve ever admitted that.  I say this now because not only is throwing your food up a terrible way to go about losing weight, but limiting yourself to that few calories, and walking or jogging that much, is simply not healthy.  I cheated getting “in shape”, and I regret it looking back.

I moved to North Carolina, and I started really running and training.  I made my own workouts up, and for hours on end, I would pull a 45lb plate up a hill with a rope, throw it back down, sprint back up, and repeat.  There were variations to these workouts, but that was essentially it.  The day came for the physical test with Asheville, and although I passed, I barely did.  I was devastated.  But, I was honest with myself, and knew I didn’t put in the work that I needed to.  This was the moment that things turned around for me.

I began searching craiglist for any sort of equipment I could find to workout with.  I slowly got a respectful gym in my basement, and began doing this crazy thing I’d heard about called Crossfit.  I loved it at the time, but now, to me, it’s a really good way to snap all kinds of shit in your body.  I would go to and whatever the Workout of the Day was, I did.  However, I HATED having to drop the weight that they were asking you to do.  I decided to stop doing Crossfit, and start strictly lifting weights, I told myself, “Just until you can do what was prescribed, “as RX”, for the Crossfit Wod.

Lifting became an addiction.  I would lift weights during our two 15 minute breaks at work, and during the 30 minute lunch.  When I maxed on the bench press for the first time with my friend Bill, I think it was at 235lbs.  At the time, I had 2 numbers in my head.  300lbs(though recently I’ve come to find out in reality the number would have been 290), and 405lbs.  Those numbers are 5 more lbs than my friend Robert has bench pressed, and Fred.  There is no better test of upper body strength than the bench press, and I have a terribly bad back, so I can’t backsquat or deadlift seriously.

I gained knowledge about lifting, how to gain strength, what exercises targeted what muscles groups, variations on set layouts and for what purpose, what protein, carbs, and fats actually did for you, and a host of other information.  I constantly watched(and still do) fitness channels on Facebook.  I’ve had a slew of injuries in the roughly 3 years I’ve been lifting weights, and I’ve taken time off here and there; sometimes for a few days, sometimes for weeks, sometimes months..  My latest break was last December, until February.  In that time I lost about 40lbs from my bench press, though I’m working my way back up to it.

It’s an addiction now. I would be a lot bigger than I am, and stronger, but I always had in my mind how I looked fat, and still didn’t eat what I needed to eat.  I’m passed that now, and I’m currently in my very first “bulk”, eating 3800-4200 calories a day, weighing out my food, counting all my macros, and being very disciplined about what goes into my body.

I realized that probably got very boring to read, but here is what I’ve learned, mentally, through this process.

First off, I get asked a lot how I do it.  How do I get up early every day to lift weights, go to work, most days still workout during breaks and lunch, and sometimes come home and lift again.  I really don’t have a good answer for this.  It’s habit.  At some point I probably had concrete reasons, and from what I can remember of what got me started, they are as follows.

I watched my father’s health decline.  I watched him get numerous health programs that only grew as he aged.  I never wanted to be undisciplined like he was with his body.  That was a huge motivation for me when I started.  As I held his hand as he died, crying, I remember wondering why he never took care of himself, and I wondered if he would have done anything different if he knew the pain I, and my family, were going through had he known how his end would come.  I can only guess and hope that he would.  I know I would.  So I take care of myself.

I want to live a long time.  Forever preferably.  I don’t know what happens after we die, but I personally believe nothing will happen.  I will die, and that it is.  Believing that, I realize this life is precious.  It’s painful, it’s beautiful, it’s confusing, it can crush you and make you not want to live(I’ve been there too, quite a few times), but I never want it to end.  So I take care of myself.

I want to be the hardest working motherfucker in the room.  Internally, I’m not a beast.  Externally, I’m getting there.  I enjoy hearing people complain about how tired they are, when I’m still going.  When I woke up early to lift, and did more work in an hour and fifteen minutes than most people will do all day, hearing people complain makes me smile.  I like to be a leader, and I lead by example, I don’t respect leaders that don’t. I like being around people who are the same. So, I take care of myself.

Obviously, I want to look good.  So, I take care of myself.

Now, has it benefited me?  What have I learned?

Superficially, yes.  I’m not a fitness model, but I look a heck of a lot better than I once did.  As any lifter will tell you, we’re never satisfied.  If people say you’re big, you don’t see it.  You just want to be bigger.  You want to be stronger.  It begins to get detailed, “I need bigger traps”, “my arms are pretty good, but my upper chest is shit”.  Obviously not everyone likes a muscular body, and to each their own.  In my experience, I seem to be doing alright.  I used to never take my shirt off.  Now, I don’t care.  I prefer to never have a shirt on.  I saw my neighbor at the mall(don’t ask why I was at the damn mall) a few weeks ago and waved at him.  He didn’t wave back, so I backtracked and said, “I’m your neighbor”.  He replied, “Oh, I didn’t recognize you without your shirt on”.  I finally convinced my boss(it only took almost 3 years) to let me take my shirt off at work, though only at the shop.  Pete often says, “Here comes half naked boy”.  It’s not to show off, because believe me, I don’t think I have anything to show off.  It just feels better, and maybe I’m making up for so many years of being “trapped”.

Mentally, yes.  Looking good is such a small portion of lifting and being in shape.  It’s not about that, and the people I know who truly love working out, whether it’s running, yoga, lifting, whatever the case may be, it’s about much more.  It’s about setting goals, and accomplishing them.  It’s about taming that voice inside of you that tells you not to do something, to put it off until tomorrow, not just taming, but destroying it.  It’s about putting yourself through hell, and coming out the other side.  It’s very difficult to put into words, but something happens to you when you start working out and taking care of yourself.  It’s…a different world.

It’s about getting up when you’re knocked down.

It’s about never giving up.

It’s about realizing there is nothing you can’t have if you don’t work for it.

It’s about fighting.

It’s about getting out of your comfort zone.

It’s about progressing.

It’s about pushing.

It’s about sacrificing what you are now, for what you are becoming.

It’s about not being afraid of pain.

It’s about going through, not around.

It’s about passion, and heart.

It’s about what you owe yourself.

It’s about you.  Why not you?  Why can’t you be a beast?  Why can’t you be in shape?  Why?


1 Comment

Aliens and Jesus in Wood


Earlier this week I read that NASA was holding a news conference to discuss an  astrobiology discovery that would impact the search of alien life.

I couldn’t help but let my mind wander on what it could mean.  Did NASA discover evidence of life on Mars, or on one of Saturn’s moons, anywhere?   I was excited.  I discussed it with a friend, who thought it was probably going to be that they discovered a single-celled something on a comet.  Even still, if scientists did find a single-celled organism somewhere, anywhere, it would have meant that we are not alone in the universe.  But, it turns out they found life on Earth “able to thrive and reproduce using the toxic chemical arsenic.”  Thanks NASA.  I’m sure to some scientists it’s a really big deal.  For the rest of us mere mortals, let us know when you find something that isn’t on Earth.

I believe there is life in the universe, besides Earth.  There has to be, right?  I don’t believe we will discover it in my life time though, possibly ever.  Until we can find a way(if it’s even possible) to travel at the speed of light, or faster, to bend space/time to instantly get places, or some equally wild idea like that, then we will never discover life.  Everything is way too far away.  Maybe there is an alien race somewhere out there, but they are still limited by the same problems of space travel.  Maybe an alien probe, like ones we send out, will come into our solar system at some point.  I really hope so.  I don’t like the idea that we’re it.  That we are the life in the universe.  I realize that life on Earth is amazing, but we do a pretty good job of screwing it up.  To some it’s not an issue if we never find life.  I don’t like thinking that we are alone.  We’re basically trapped on Earth.  What else is out there?  Is there a planet with creatures like on ours?  Is there a planet of intelligent beings?  What are their philosophies?  What do they value?  I also wonder how us discovering life would redefine our religions.  I want to know, step it up NASA.  Is there anybody out there?

Top 5 things I masturbated to in November

1. Porn

2. Porn

3. Ex-girlfriends

4. Porn

5. Porn


Almond man finds Jesus in slab of wood!

“Mike White of Almond. NY has a piece of cherry wood that he, and some others, believe portrays a natural image of Jesus.
Soon, online auction bidders will be the judge of its worth as he plans to auction the 11 1/2 by 34 inch piece of lumber on eBay.”

This is the town I lived in as a teenager….

People seem to find images of Jesus in everything from wood to pieces of toast.  Is that part of Gods plan?  To blow your mind by revealing Jesus to you in your oatmeal?  My next question is, if Jesus did reveal himself to you in a manner like that, do you think his intentions were to have you sell it on eBay?  Maybe he figured you could use a little more money.  I think if I was God, I would answer a prayer of keeping a loved one healthy or something.  I can’t blame him for selling it though, I sure as hell would…..if it looked even remotely like Christ.  I know you’re dying to see it, so here it is.

Can you see it?  As soon as I saw it, I fell to my knees.  I saw everything in a new light, like it was the first time I had ever truly used my eyes, as I basked in the divine light of this glorious piece of wood.  I must have it.  Unfortunately, the man is starting the bid at $10,000 on eBay.  So, you know, fuck all that.

What exactly are people seeing that I can’t see?  Peoples minds see what they want to see.  I would agree that Christ was in this piece of wood if it looked something like this..

The dollar sign and the thumbs up would let me know that Jesus wanted me to sell it.

Who sees the image of Christ in this mans piece of wood?  Tell me, I want to see it too.  Maybe it’s like one of those 3D art pieces.  I could never see those either.  People would give me stupid tips on how to see the image, but I never could.  Maybe I need to start staring at it close, then slowly bring it away from my face.  Hold on, let me try…….  Nope, that didn’t work either.

Conclusion:  It doesn’t look anything like Jesus, but I’m sure some sucker will buy it.


I’m going to measure my penis now, and tell you all how small it is….


Just kidding, this is a family blog.


I’m out of crap to write about tonight.  Later suckas.








1 Comment

Brian tries not to shoot himself while finishing Twilight.

Sigh, why am I finishing this movie.  You internet people better appreciate my suffering.

I don’t think I’ve seen Ms. Monotone happy once in this movie so far.  She needs a hug.

Some hick gets killed by vampires.  One of them is a smoking hot redhead.  (This being a teen movie, I googled her to make sure she was old enough for me to say that).  She is a year younger than I am .  I like redheads.  Next to black hair, it’s my favorite.  What is your favorite color hair on a potential mate?  If Ms. Monotone were to answer, she’d say, “I don’t care, woe is me. Just leave me alone to wallow in self pity.”








Ms. Monotone is curious about the legend Jacob tells her, so she googles it.  I find it funny that one of the links says…….

I’m so immature.

I know I say scenes are pointless a lot, but honestly, this scene is as pointless as it gets.  Let me give you a step by step of what happens.

Ms. Monotone is shown looking at her laptop.

We watched her screen as she types in “Quilete Legends” into Google.

We see her finger click her touch pad.

We see her screen scroll down as she views the links Google gave her.

We watch her cursor move to Book results for Quilete Legends.

We watch her cursor move across the screen and click a link for Thunderbird and Whale Books.

We watch as she scrolls across the screen and clicks a link for Map.

The camera zooms out so we can see the map.

We watch as Ms. Monotone writes down the address on a post it note.

We watch as she gets up from her chair, grabs her coat, and leaves the room.

This is how simple and quick the scene could have been.

“Hey Dad, I’m heading to the book store to go get a book on a legend Jacob told me about, see ya later”.

“Okay dear, be safe.”

Or better yet, just show her in the damn bookstore, show her look at some books, pull one out from the shelf, and show the title.  I would have understood what was happening.  But no, Twilight assumes its audience members are idio……..nevermind.

Twilight Fans

Ms. Monotone waits for Edward to come to school, but her friend informs her that he isn’t here.  Apparently some sunlight is okay, but when the sun is actually shining(which is rare in this movie), vampires have to sleep in coffins.  The only point to this scene   is cleavage.

Anna Kendrick (born August 9, 1985), stop thinking I’m a pervert.




We now watch a scene of two of Ms. Monotone’s friends try on prom dresses.  Ms. Monotone is completely uninterested in the whole scene, which remains true to her complete lack of interest for anything.  She tells her friend she just wants to go to the bookstore and leaves.

She goes to the bookstore, where we see the cover to the book, she buys it and leaves.  Hello?!  Did I not say that is what should have been done to begin with?

Ms. Monotone gets surrounded by four drunk dudes that presumably want to take turns sticking their penises into various holes in her body, against her will.  But amazingly, Edward races up in his car and puts an end all that jazz.  I assume Ms. Monotone will now realize that she is being stalked.  Though Edward did save her from a potential gang raping, she should still be concerned for her safety.  Ms. Monotone gets into Edwards car, and he does some Fast and the Furious moves to impress her.

We are now treated with watching Ms. Monotone and Edward having a nice dinner together.

Okay, Ms. Mono finally asks how he knew where she was, and if he was following her.  His answer should have freaked her out.

“I feel very protective of you.”

That’s serial killer talk.  This does not freak her out.  In fact, she seems quite flattered.  If my sister told me  she keep waking up in the middle of the night, thinking a guy was in her room.  Then that same guy followed her around , she went out to dinner with him and he said, “I feel very protective of you.” and she kept eating dinner with him, I’d slap her, and drive a stake through the bastards heart, vampire or not. My sister would not do that though, because she is not a moron like Ms. Monotone.

Edward then tells her that he can read minds.  He scans the room, looking at different people and saying what they are thinking.  Money, sex, money, sex, cats.  He couldn’t possibly be making that up, right?  But he tells Ms. Mono that he cannot read her mind.  She asks, and I’m not making this up, “Is there something wrong with me”.  YES YOU FUCKING RETARD, there is.

for a second and review what you know about this movie up to this point.  Forget vampires and werewolves and come back down to the real world.  Right now, this movie could easily turn into a story about a girl who gets raped and murdered by an insane person.  That is what I’m getting out of it.  This should be a public service film on what girls shouldn’t do, and the warning signs that the guy you like might try and kill you.

The signs are all there people.

Edward isn’t as dumb as Ms. Mono.  He laughs and asks, “I tell you I can read minds, and you think there is something wrong with you?”  and “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore”.  She says, “The don’t”.  Prepare to get murdered Ms. Mono.

*End Scene*

Ms. Mono touches Edwards hand and it’s cold.  She looks down, I get the sense she is finally catching on to what we already know.

They stop at the police station and Ms. Mono comforts her dad because his friend was eaten by vampires an animal.  They seem to connect.  Maybe now he will pay more attention to the people his daughter hangs out with.

Once again, we watch Ms. Mono do searches on her laptop….She finally puts all the clues together and realizes Edward is a…dun dun dun..VAMPIRE!

Mono goes out into the middle of the woods to talk to Edward, who she just realized is a vampire.  You have to agree with me by now, this chick is dumb.  He takes her to the top of the mountain, into the sunlight.  Everything you’ve ever known about vampires would lead you to believe that he would either get severely burnt by the sunlight, or just disintegrate.  This is not what happens.  He is all shiny like diamonds.

Why is this movie so popular?  One of you people that love Twilight books and movies, please tell me.  What good do you see in this?  I need to know.  I haven’t found any good in it so far.  This entire story is Ludicrous.

That’s all I have in me for now..maybe I will finish it, but it’s not likely.

1 Comment

Brian watches Twilight: Part 1

There is this movie about Vampires and Werewolves that has made half the world masturbate to these supernatural beings.  I’m going to watch it, and probably end up turning goth or emo, or whatever the kids are doing these days.  That or make a lame t-shirt that says Team Edward and hang around high school parking lots, trying regain the coolness that has slowly been draining out of me as I age.  NOT to pick up girls, you pervs.

Why did I listen to you weirdos and decide to do this movie…here we go.

O-M-G here we go!! The credits are rolling!! I’m so excited!!  I should have invited my friends over for a slumber party to watch this and talk about boys hot girls!!!

The first line of the movie, “I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of some one i love seems like a good way to go.”  That’s some deep shit right there folks.

The first scene is a sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer.  It’s prancing along, it gets thirsty, it spots a little brook, it puts its  little deer lips down to the cool clear water… BAM!  A fuckin vampie rips off part of its head! Its brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces!







I’m assuming it’s a vampire, but I don’t know for sure.  It might be a Werewolf since Vampires can’t come out during the day.

We’re introduced to who I am guessing is Bella.  I don’t want to call her that though.  I want to call her Ms. Monotone Voice.  She whines about having to move someplace, away from Phoenix.  Suck it up princess, my parents shipped me off to New Jersey just about every summer.

Ms. Mono’s dad is a cop. They obviously don’t have a great relationship.  The most boring and pointless conversation happens between them.

“Your hairs longer.”

“I cut it since last time I saw you”

“Oh, I guess it grew out again”

“You like purple right?”

“Purples cool”.

Thanks for the Oscar worthy scene.



















The next scene is Ms. Monotone and her dad outside, meeting a guy in a wheelchair and some young stud named Jacob.  The dad and the wheelchair guy do some sort of mock fighting.  If I were the wheelchair guy, I would have spit in the cops face and said, “Don’t fucking patronize me, asshole”.

Her dad buys her a truck.  A fucking truck! Woot!  If my parents had bought me a truck when I was young, I’d be happy as shit.  Ms. Monotone is happy, you know what she says to her dad to thank him though?  Nothing.

Kids today and their sense of entitlement.  I would have taken the keys right back and said, “Maybe now you’ll learn some fucking manners.”

Then the dad and Mr. Wheelchair say typical shit that makes us old people seem nerdy.

“I told you she’d love it, I’m down with the kids.”

“Oh yeah dude, you’re the bomb”.

I notice Jacob peek at Ms. Monotone’s ass or tits at least 3 times.

Ms. Monotone goes to her first day at her new school.  Why is it that the main character in these kids movies always has a shitty car, while everyone else has something nice?  Ms. Monotone meets a gay Asian kid who wants to put her on the front page of the school paper.  Ms. Monotone freaks out and the gay Asian says, “Chillax”.  When does this movie take place, 1992?

Fact: Ms. Monotone is the worst damn volleyball player in the world.

All the guys think Ms. Monotone is hot shit for some reason.  Alpha dog positioning commences.

Ms. Monotone’s vagina gets moist when Edward walks into the cafeteria.

I know Edward is a vampire.  What is he doing out during the day?  Is this movie going to destroy everything I’ve learned about vampires from Brom Stoker?

There’s a hilarious scene of Ms. Monotone and Edward sitting next to each other in class.  Edward flips between looking disgusted by her, or staring at her in a psychotic way.








I’m 12 minutes into this movie and I’ve already commented on this much.  This might end up being like a 10 part “review”.  Edward storms out of class and Ms. Monotone catches him trying to drop the class.

There is an extremely pointless scene of Ms. Monotone and her dad eating dinner together.

OMG, Edward hasn’t been to school the last few days!!!!

Some type of construction worker is killed by vampires.

Ms. Monotone slips on a piece of ice and falls on her ass.  I laugh.

Edward is back in school!

Edward tries to be nice to Ms. Monotone, but she turns out to be a royal bitch.  “You’re asking me about the weather?”  You just met, give him a fucking break.  However, Ms. Monotone looks into his eyes and is ready to spread her legs for him.  Slut.

Ms. Monotone is almost crushed by a van, but Edward The Hulk, saves her.

Ms. Monotone gets checked out at the hospital and sees Edward.  Again, instead of thanking him, maybe giving his penis a tug, she just questions what happened.  In her defense though, Edward treats her like a moron.   Shouldn’t she be flipping the hell out?  He stopped a fucking van with his bare hand.  She seems way to calm about it.

Edward is starting to grow on me.  He has balls that Ms. Monotones dad doesn’t.

Edwards says, “Can’t you just thank me and get over it?”.

Ms. Monotone is like, “WHAT WHAT WHAT?  A thank you?  Who is this lowly peasant demanding a thank you from her royal highness?!”  She graces him with a thank you anyway.

Edward turns out to be a sociopath and is caught staring at Ms. Monotone as she sleeps.

Ms. Monotone is retarded and thinks she dreamed it.  He just saved your life by going the speed of light and stopping a van with one hand.  Yeah, you must be dreaming.

The dialogue in this movie is horrible, just horrible.

The class goes on a field trip.  Ms. Monotone and Edward bicker nonstop.

Ms. Monotone knocks over an apple, and Edward does some sort of vampire trick and kicks it back up with his foot.  Ms. Monotone remains unimpressed by him, and everything else in the fucking world.











30 minutes into this crapfest…..

Ms. Monotone says the smartest thing that she has in this movie.

Edward says, “I only said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be”.

Ms. Monotone, “What does that mean?”

Jacob comes back into the film when Ms. Monotone and some of her friends go to the beach.  She asks, “What are you, like, stalking me?”  Fucking bitch, he hasn’t even been in the movie for 30 minutes, that’s like 2 weeks in your time.  And you ask him that, not the vampire who climbs through your window at night and watches you while you sleep?  This chick is an idiot.

Jacobs friends and Ms. Monotones friends start talking shit about Edward.  One of Jacobs friend is all, “The Cullen’s don’t come here” and this eerie music starts playing.  OoooOoooooOoo The Cullen’s don’t go to that beach.  What does that mean??!!?!

Ms. Monotone asks Jacob what his friend meant by that.  Jacob replies, “You caught that huh?” She was standing right there asshole.

I’m only going to call her Bella this one time, because I’m about to defend her.  Maybe if everyone in her life didn’t treat her like a goddamn moron, she would give a shit when people buy her trucks, or stop vans from killing her, or anything else that happens in her life.  She may be part retarded, but she has eyes and ears.

Jacob explains some treaty that the vampires and werewolves have with each other.  Ms. Monotone continues to not use her brain and can’t put two and two together.

Alright, I’m going to finish this “movie” later……..

Leave a comment

The 10 Greatest Movies Ever Made(That I’ve Seen)

Wasting time making the Top 10 song list yesterday kind of got me tired.  I figured I’d give it a go with movies.

Rules #1 Nothing with Tom Cruise allowed.

Alright, I looked through my DvDs, searched my Netflix history, looked at multiple “Best Movies of all-time lists” to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything, and wrote a list of my favorite 20 movies.  It took a bit to narrow it down to 10, but here goes.

In No Particular Order

1997 – Life is Beautiful

Directed by Roberto Benigni

Starring: Roberto Benigni, Nicoletta Braschi

My sister introduced me to this movie years ago.  It took me forever before I finally watched it.  I’m glad I did.  It’s an Italian Film, so you’re going to have to do some reading as you watch it.  I really don’t want to say anything about this movie for those that haven’t seen it.  It’s amazing.  Add it to your Netflix queue or rent it somewhere else, whatever, just watch it. Now.

1967 – Cool Hand Luke

Directed by Stuart Rosenberg

Starring: Paul Newman

A war hero is sent to a road camp prison for cutting the heads off of parking meters.  If you’re feeling down and out, and have lost your “heart”, watching Cool Hand Luke will give it back to you.

…you make a bad enough mistake, and then you gotta deal with The Man. And he is one rough old boy.

1999 – Fight Club

Directed by David Fincher

Starring: Brat Pitt, Edward Norton, Helena Bonham Carter

Ladies, excuse the sexism for a moment.  If you’re a man and reading this, and you don’t like Fight Club, you can go ahead and check your penis at the door and trade it in for a nice pink vagina.  Just watching this movie makes me feel like a badass.  It makes me want to randomly tell people that I want them to hit me as hard as they can.  It makes me want to give up anything I own, find a shitty abandoned house, and just fight.

In the world I see – you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

1992 – Unforgiven

Directed by Clint Eastwood

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman

I love westerns, but so many of them are just horrible.  This western, is not.  William Munny(Clint Eastwood) is a retired thief and murderer.  He comes out of retirement to kill and collect the bounty on two cowboys that slash up a prostitute.  Accompanied by Ned Logan(Morgan Freeman) and some irritating kid, they set out to find the cowboys.  Clint Eastwood once again plays an ultimate badass.

That’s right. I’ve killed women and children. I’ve killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I’m here to kill you…

2002 – Road to Perdition

Directed by Sam Mendes

Starring: Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Jude Law

Tom Hanks plays the role of an enforcer for mobster Paul Newman.   Tom Hanks’ son hides in his fathers card during one of his jobs, he witnesses a murder.  I won’t stay anymore, just in case you haven’t seen it yet.

A man of honor always pays his debts… and keeps his word.

1998 – Saving Private Ryan

Directed by Steven Speilberg

Starring: Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Tom Sizemore

Rarely will a movie thrust you into a movie the way Saving Private Ryan does.  After a brief intro, this movie does.  You feel like you’re there, landing on Omaha beach.  For the next 30 minutes, give or take, you experience some of the most intense scenes ever filmed.  From then on, it’s milder for the most part, and you travel with a group pf soldiers as they attempt to find Private Ryan to bring him back to The United Stares.  Private Ryan’s three brothers were killed, and he is to be located, and sent back home. I want to watch it again, right now.

He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb.

1972 – The Godfather

Directed by Francis Ford Coppola

Starring: Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, James Caan

Honestly, do I have to say anything about this movie?  It’s a damn classic.  If you haven’t seen it yet, you need to recognize.

I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen.

2007 – No Country for Old Men

Directed by Ethan Coen, Joel Coen

Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem

Violence and mayhem ensue after a hunter stumbles upon some dead bodies, a stash of heroin and more than $2 million in cash near the Rio Grande.  I was lazy and just copy/pasted that.

What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss.

1994 – The Shawshank Redemption

Directed by Frank Darabont

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Tim Robbins

Two imprisoned men bond over a number of years, finding solace and eventual redemption through acts of common decency.  Sorry, it’s 4:30 am, I’m finally starting to get tired.

I believe in two things: discipline and the Bible. Here you’ll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Shawshank.

1994 – Forrest Gump

Directed by Robert Zemeckis

Starring: Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise

This movie should be on everyone’s list, if nothing more then that it’s one big quotefest.  This movie is a classic, it’s brilliant.

Some nights, Jenny’d sneak out and come over  to my house, just ’cause she said she was scared. Scared  of what, I don’t know…but I think it was her grandma’s dog.





Honorable Mentions:

American History X

Full Metal Jacket

Reservoir Dogs

Mulholland Drive

The Royal Tenebaums

Apocalypse Now

Alright nerds, thanks for giving me a few minutes of your life that you will NEVER get back.  I love you.

1 Comment

The 10 Greatest Songs in Existence.(That are on my itunes anyway)

Insomnia hits again, it’s 2:36 as I start this blog.  There isn’t much to do at this time, so I decided to have some fun.  These are my top 10 songs.  The songs that if I was going to be sent to a desert island, for the rest of my life, with a mini ipod that holds only 10 songs, I would choose.


#1 Only 1 song per band allowed.

#2 Intros to songs that are listed as separate tracks can be counted as one entire song, as well as songs that are broken up into mini songs, but form one big ass song.

#3 If you disagree with me, you can go fuck yourself, unless you provide your own top 10.

Obviously I haven’t heard every song in existence, but of the songs I’ve heard, these are the greatest.  In my humble opinion of course.  In no particular order……….

#10 Tool – Parabol/Parabola (9:04)










I put the only “one song per band” rule for a few bands that will appear on this list, Tool being one of them.  It was hard to whittle the songs I love from Tool down to just one.  But I did, and the result is Parabol/Parabola.

Parabol makes up the first half of the song.  Slow, calculated notes make you anticipate  the inevitable thunder of drums that you can expect from Danny Carey.  The song erupts into the second half, Parabola.  It’s one of those knock you on your ass songs.  The lyrics are refreshing and positive.  Maynard finishes off his lyrical masterpiece with:

Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.

The instruments play out the last 1:25, bringing you down from the journey you just went through.

Honorable Mentions: Ænema, Wings For Marie/10,000 days, Vicarious.

#9 The Mars Volta – Cassandra Gemini I-VIII (32:32)










I don’t know how many times I’ve listened to this song, regardless of it’s length.  I don’t think I’ve met anyone else that actually likes The Mars Volta.  It’s one of those love them or hate them bands.  They are definitely not one of the bands I can listen to every song of.  Regardless, this song is fucking epic.  Grab some headphones, crank this track up as loud as it can go, and enjoy.

And one day you’ll remember
Behind the melting cones, you always had a family
In the burial of your home.

Honorable Mentions: Roulette Dares, Eriatarka

#8 Led Zeppelin – When the Levee Breaks (7:07)











I know a lot of people would ask, “wtf, what about Stairway to Heaven?”  It’s my list.  It was hard to narrow down Led Zeppelin to just one song as well.  I’ve been listening to this song since High School.  I remember playing it almost every night while mopping the floors at the Alfred Sub Shop at 1-2 am.  I love everything about this song. <– period.

Honorable Mentions: Stairway to Heaven, Hats off to Roy Harper, No Quarter.

#7 Pink Floyd – Time (7:06)













This was actually the hardest band to narrow down to one song.  Pink Floyd has more amazing songs then most bands have one.  The lyrics to this song rip right down to the core.  The guitar solo is lengthy, and perfection, every note.

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

Honorable Mentions: When the Tigers Broke Free, Shine on you Crazy Diamond, High Hopes, I could write a pretty long list…


#6 Bob Dylan – Masters of War (4:30)










Bob Dylan cuts right to the chase in this song.  It’s simple, but effective.  It has to be one of the greatest anti-war songs ever.  It’s a rally cry that few can hear, or want to hear.

I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul.

Honorable Mentions: Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright, The Times They Are A-Changin, Like a Rolling Stone

#5 The Doors – The End (11:42)











Jeez, how do you even describe this song?  Like a lot of The Doors songs, it’s poetry, lyrically and musically.  It’s another one of those songs that takes you on a journey as you listen to it.  I’m not even going to try describing it any furthur.

No safety or surprise, the end
I’ll never look into your eyes…again

Honorable Mentions: The Crystal Ship, Maggi M’Gill, When the Music’s Over, Five to One, Riders on the Storm

#4 Neil Young – Rockin in the Free World(4:42)











This isn’t a song, it’s an anthem, and Neil Young rocks the shit out of it.  Do I need to say more?  No.

There’s colors on the street
Red, white and blue

Honorable Mentions: Heart of Gold, Hey Hey, My My, Ohio

#3 Jeff BuckleyHallelujah (6:51)










Although this is actually a Leonard Cohen song and rarely can someone make a cover better than the original,  Jeff Buckley did, and made this song his own.  I honestly don’t see how anyone could dislike this song.  It almost has the ability to look directly into your soul.  Jeff Buckley died young, but left this gift to the world before he did.

Well maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who’d out drew ya

Honorable Mentions: Who the shit cares, this song is good enough.

#2 John Lee Hooker – Crawlin’ King Snake(2:46)









This might seem like an odd ball in the list.  I love the blues, I love this damn song.  If you’re not familiar with the blues and are interested, this entire album is a good place to start.  This is a “Fuck you, she’s mine, I’ll smash your fuckin face in”, song that is pulled off in a way that only the blues can.

I’m a crawlin’ Kingsnake baby, and I rules my den.


Honorable Mentions: Boom Boom, Hobo Blues, Sally Mae, Bad Like Jesse James, I’m in the Mood

#1 Jimi Hendrix – All Along the Watchtower(4:01)









Again, this is a cover.  Bob Dylan wrote this song.  This song rocks my mother fucking socks off, in a good way.  I’m not a huge fan of Jimi Hendrix, but his talent is undeniable.  I’ve probably pissed off more than a few people over the years, driving around, blasting this song.  The 1 minute 7 second guitar solo ends with Jimi belting out “All Along the Watchtower”.  If that shit doesn’t get you, I have no clue what will.  Maybe Lady Gaga is more your style.

Honorable Mentions: The Star Spangled Banner, Hey Joe, Little Wing

There you have it kids, my top ten.  I didn’t go digging for every song I’ve ever heard, I just picked out of the 2,000 songs on my computer.  Remember, this list is in no particular order.

Honorable Mentions:

Pearl Jam – Indifference

Mic Check – Rage Against the Machine

Alice in Chains – Would

Temple of the Dog – Hunger Strike

Wish I Was in Heaven Sittin Down – R.L. Burnside

Leave a comment

Brian watches the mother of all Nerd Porn – Star Wars (Part 2)

Alright fuckers.  I’m actually dreading finishing this piece of cinema shit, but I started it, I have to finish it.  The last I saw our Robot/Alien slaying heroes, The Black Robot King blew up a planet, and Hand Sulu, along with The Werewolf, Luke, OB1, and two good guy robots were going Warp 9 into space.

Luke is playing a deadly game with his Laser sword.  A floating ball shoots tiny lasers at him, and he tries to block them with his sword.    Where are Luke’s parental figures?  Dumb Luke, he doesn’t realize that…..

Meanwhile, The Wolfman is playing some sort of high tech chess game with R2D2.  There is a Galaxy War going on assholes, stop playing games, kill some Robots.

OB1 gives Luke a magic helmet, and he is able to beat the game against the laser shooting ball.  OB1 is apparently trying to recruit Luke into some sort of  scientology cult, called ” The Force”.  Luke is weak minded and begins to fall for it.  Hand Sulu is smart though, and basically tells OB1 and Luke that they are both fucking morons.  He should say that to Tom Cruise.







The heroes chase dumbbell shaped spaceship, which leads them to a giant space station.  They are pulled in and greeted by The Black Robot King and some robot troops.  But wait, what’s this? They are not onboard the ship.  Twist!  Somehow they managed to avoid detection hiding underneath a walkway.  For all the high tech shit in this movies, they failed to develop some useful ones.  I think Hand Sulu explains, but I don’t play any fuckin attention.  OB1 continues to act like he is smart and asks, “Who is the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?”  Hand Sulu doesn’t answer, because he isn’t an idiot who buys into a cults bullshit.  What ever happened to the guy who plays Hand Sulu?  I think I saw him in a movie trailer for some horrible chick flick.  So sad, I bet he is dying for someone to remake these Star Wars movies, or make new ones, so he can be in them and return to his former glory of piloting spaceships, killing Nazi’s and stealing artifacts.




One of the white robots “transmitters” is busted, so he can’t hear the human officer talking to him.  The officer tells some desk jockey to take over so he can go and fix it.  Is there no chain of command or delegation of tasks in this galaxy?  It would be like when I was in the Air Force, me telling my squadron commander that my wrench is busted, and him driving to base supply personally to get me a new one.  Anyway, it’s a trick and the Wolfman, one of the White Robots who they must have reprogrammed, OB1, The Gold Robot, fuckin all of them are waiting by the door, kick his ass and shot the other guy in the room.

So apparently the White Robots are not Robots at all.  Luke has stolen one of the robot suits and removes the helmet.  Either they are robots and our heroes gutted them of all their wiring, or they are humans wearing space uniforms, that are traitors and work for the Black Robot King.

Hand Sulu says more badass things, Luke complains more.  OB1 says more stupid shit trying to act smart, “your destiny lies on a different path than mine. The force will be with you, always”.  By the look in Luke’s eyes, it seems like he has fully accepted the cult.

Hand Sulu and Luke argue about rescuing a princess.  Hand Sulu seems pretty badass, but dumb.  Luke uses mind tricks to get him to help rescue her.  They come up with a plan that isn’t worth mentioning.

The plan works, after a laser gun fight, and Luke finds the Princess sleeping in her cell.  I sleep like a baby when I know I’m going to be executed, don’t you?  They both are super excited and run off in search of Ben.

For some reason our heroes decide to jump in a room full of garbage.  If they could manage to hit anything living with their fucking laser guns, maybe they wouldn’t have to resort to such stupid ideas.  It turns out it wasn’t a good idea, because there is a worm monster in the garbage room.  I’m confused by this whole scene.  They are able to stand up in the room, with shitty water only reaching mid way to their knees, but as soon as the worm monster grabs Luke, he disappears and they can’t find him.  Fucking stupid.  The walls start to close in on them, long story short, it’s a pointless scene and they don’t die.  R2D2 and the Gold Robot save the day.  Luke thanks them by saying, “You did great!”. How about a little more fucking gratitude?

Sexual tension builds between Hand Sulu and Princess Bitch-a-lot.

Luke says the dumbest shit I’ve heard in a movie in a long time: “I think we took a wrong turn!”

The Princess kisses Luke on the mouth.  They’re going to Do It, I bet.

Oh boy.  The Black Robot King and OB1 are about to square off with their laser swords.  OB1 got those other dudes to do what he wanted, just by waving his hands, so I bet OB1 will win.

They fight for a little bit, neither of them seeming to have any intention of actually trying to hurt the other.  They just keep smashing their lasers swords together, because it makes a cool sound.

Sigh, 30 minutes left in this shitfest.

In his final attempt to ensure Luke believes in the cult, “The Force”, OB1 turns off his sword, allowing The Black Robot King to hit him with his laser sword, causing OB1 to evaporate.

Luke screams like a bitch, grabbing the Robot Kings attention, as well as his Robot minions.







But, they escape in the Star Ship Enterprise.

Another lengthy scene happens of  The Enterprise and some sort of fighter spaceships.  Once again, it takes a million fucking laser shots for anyone to hit anything. Everyone gets a boner and or/moist vagina when they destroy all the fighter spaceships.

There is a pretty funny scene of Luke attempting to have a guy to guy chat with Hand Sulu about the Princess.  It’s clear from the conversation that Luke is a virgin, and Hand Sulu is the man.  Luke is like that friend you take to a strip club, who asks you if you think one of the girls “like” him.

Luke, there's no sex in the champagne room.










I miss a few minutes of the movie because I don’t give a shit.  There is something going on about a plan to destroy something with photon torpedoes.

Hand and Luke get into some sort of pissing match because Hand doesn’t want to fight.  In an attempt to make the peace, Hand say ,”May the force be with you”.  Luke replies, “And also with you, Go in the peace of Christ”.

The Robot Kings gets in a spaceship fighter plane and wrecks shit up.  Luke wins by hitting the breaks, causing the Robot King to fly right by.  The Robot King asks, “Where did he go?”

Luke fires some Photon Torpedoes and blows some shit up.  He gets back to base, The Princess greets him, and it looks like Luke will get to kiss her, but Hand Sulu totally cock blocks him.

The movie ends with all the heroes getting medals of some kind, and the Princesses rating going up to a 6/10, because her hair isn’t in that fucking ear muff style.  The Werewolf howls at the moon.

Summary:  This movie is fucking retarded.

1 Comment