Chipped Teeth.
When I was young, I rode my badass BMX bike up to the top of a paved sidewalk, and attempted to jump a ramp. I peddled as fast as I could, hit the ramp, then…nothing. I regained consciousness while two friends were supporting me, trying to get me to my front door. What had happened was an asshole slid his skateboard along the path I was going to land my bike on. I hit the board and flipped over my bikes handlebars and landed on my face. I am so glad I blacked out for that. I also would like to find the kid who slid the skateboard under my bike and beat the shit out of him.
As a result of landing on my face, my two front teeth were chipped pretty badly. It looked something like this.
I was rushed to the hospital by my parents. I remember using my tongue to feel where parts of my teeth used to be, I swear I felt roots. Anyway, at some point they were fixed by Air Force doctors and everything was great and I lived a happy life and got laid like a million times.
Except I’m mildly retarded (probably because my head smashed into a concrete sidewalk at one point in my life).
My parents bought me cowboy boots for some reason. I hope I didn’t ask for them, but I’m sure I did. While waiting for the school bus, I showed an older and tougher kid how hard my cowboy boots were by stomping on his foot. Understandably, he punched me in the mouth and knocked out my fake teeth. After that, my parents decided that I would just get them knocked out again if they had them fixed. There was a cost/benefit to their decision. Clearly the cost of replacing my front teeth, enabling me to live a normal, reasonably happy childhood, was not beneficial enough. So, I lived my pre-teens and all of my teenage years as the kid with chipped teeth.
I did a fairly good job of covering them as best I could. I didn’t laugh as much, my smile was all lips, and I tried not to talk that much. It worked on some people, some it didn’t. I went home on leave from the Air Force (before my teeth were fixed) and hung out with a friend of mine, one of my best friends from high school. He asked me, “what the hell happened to your teeth?”. He had no idea, even from the 100’s of times I’d hung out with him, that I had chipped teeth. It made me feel clever. However, I did receive a normal dose of getting made fun of that you would expect a kid with fucked up front teeth would get.
I cherish the people who didn’t try to hide it from me. Not the people who picked on me though. I later became friends with some, but I still reserve a middle finger and a big “fuck off” for them. When I win the lottery and they ask me to help them with their money problems, that’s when I’ll use it. Anyway, I’d like to acknowledge the people who didn’t mind my hideous teeth.
Scotty – 
“Hey Brian, do you know you have chipped teeth?”
Ray – 
Me: “Ray, do my teeth ever bother you?”(this was after we graduated high school and I didn’t have the nerve to even bring it up to one of my best friends). Ray: “No, I don’t give a shit man. Why would you even ask that?”
Michelle/Melissa – Pictures unavailable
For letting me make out with them a bunch.
Of course there are plenty more I could add to this list, but for the sake of time and your eyes, I’ll only list those four. I do need to say that I had plenty of close friends in high school, all deserving of my thanks. “Thanks for hanging out with me and not picking on me like those other assholes”.
Now, back to my depressing chipped teeth.
I joined the Air Force at 19, yadda yadda, and got my teeth fixed at age 20. I swear to you, I wanted to hug my dentist. Had I not been in the military and had he not been an officer, I would have. I would have hugged him and never let go. Instead, I looked him straight in the eyes and mustered the most sincere “Thank you”, I would ever be capable of. To him it was just another day at work. To me it was a life changer.
I almost didn’t know how to act after my teeth were fixed. I went back to the shop where I worked that day, but I must have taken 20 bathroom breaks just to go the bathroom mirror and smile.
I have a special place in my heart for people who had or have chipped teeth. I know a woman named Alli. I met her at a bar while dating Michelle. Michelle told Alli that I had chipped teeth, and that Alli did too, (Alli’s are removable). Instant friends.
I met a guy at a Halloween party. We were both dressed as hockey players. Of course we started talking, and I noticed he had chipped teeth. He told me my costume was cool, but his was the real deal. I used black halloween stuff to make my teeth looked chipped. I told him my story. Instant friends, we hugged, laughed, and had a beer.
Having chipped teeth sucks. It stunts your social growth. Seriously, if you have kids with chipped teeth, fix them. If I can reach just one parent who has no idea that their child’s missing front teeth is a bad parenting decision, then this blog has all been worth it.
I’m also going to add this facebook conversation I had yesterday, because it made me laugh.
Brian Bowers Apparently it’s “National Daughter’s Week”. Although I do not have a daughter, I would just like to send a message to all the semen that I have deposited into tissue paper, into condoms, that went down my shower drain, that I wiped off stomach with a gray gym sock, etc.
I’m sure you would have grown up into a beautiful girl who I would have been proud of. I’m sorry.
M: Oh my god, you’re so disgusting! LMAO
Brian Bowers: I thought it was sweet. You don’t have semen, you wouldn’t understand.
M: I would. I’d like to send a shout-out to all those eggs which have gone unfertilized and been released once a month. Darn those missed opportunities!
Brian Bowers But that’s only once a month. The average male has 280 sperm in his ejaculate. That’s like, a million sperm I’ve killed. I’m being modest, probably more like 2 million.
M: LOL. Which makes an egg FAR more important. One trumps one million.
Brian Bowers So not true. If I were fighting a war, I would want a million men, not one. Unless it was Rambo. You can’t do anything with one. At least my sperm have friends for a short amount of time.
M: Or one trumps 280 times how much you ejaculate in a month.
Brian Bowers Negative. Women only have one egg. Sperm fights to get there. The best get there first. Imagine fighting your way, struggling to get to the egg, and you have one choice. It’s a crock.
M: But in making a kid, there is only ONE egg. If it doesn’t happen, there is the next month…and the next. It’s like going into war without a general.
Brian Bowers Your egg is a general? A general that disappears during the month. My troops are always there, ready to go.
M: It’s there at the crucial moment. Then another one takes its place. Unfortunately, your troops get involved in a lot of other skirmishes which don’t yield any results.
Brian Bowers That’s my point of this post. I feel bad for my semen. I’m going to start saving them in envelopes and mason jars, so I always remember them. Then when I die I will have them cremated with me, and the ashes spread over the Great Barrier Reef, while the spreader reads “For Anne”, by Edgar Allan Poe.
Brian Bowers Annie*
M: Aww….Well, maybe you should start impregnating. Then you won’t feel so bad.
Brian Bowers I’ve tried, women always want me to wear a condom, or the semen in their face. Not to mention the dirty women I have sex with that want it in the backdoor.
M: You ever see that Spike Lee movie? About the guy who impregnates 15 women in one night? Maybe you should do that.
M: I thought this wall was PG-13.
J: Wait… this is beginning to look like a script for a romantic comedy… when Brian’s sperm met….
J: That is a great idea. I’m going to start writing the screenplay tonight. I’m gonna be rich. You get 20% of all profits from toy sales too.
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